The Child I Did Not Want

Anonymous

As the mother of six mischievous and boisterous boys, I felt I had more than fulfilled my duty to "Fill and replenish the earth." I gave away all my baby clothes and announced to anyone who would listen that I was not going to have any more children. How Heavenly Father must have chuckled as I "told" Him that He need not send any more spirits to me. So set was I in my mind that when my "stomach flu" lasted for two months, I still did not comprehend. When I realized that I was going to give birth once again, I was beyond comforting. As the time drew near to have my child I realized that I needed to change my attitude. I couldn’t hate my baby. I tried and tried to be glad about it, but still remained angry. There was an LDS musical touring in our area called Saturday’s Warrior’s. One of the story lines in the production was about a son who had wandered off the path and was brought back by the love of unborn sister and despair of losing his twin to death. I kept having the "feeling" that this story was my own. But I shoved away the gnawing of the spirit and told myself it was just me trying to get myself to be glad about this pregnancy.

Finally, I went to My Father in prayer, "Please help me to love this child. I have tried and tried I just cannot." I was given a sweet and wonderful answer to that prayer. The Spirit let me know that this child would be very special and secondly I should treasure my time with him because he would not be with me long. Jared filled all the promise. He was loving and giving with an extreme sense of attachment to his family. Indeed he was a very special spirit. The Lord is kind, though, and the veil was pulled over my mind regarding the second promise.

Throughout his childhood I could see the promise being fulfilled. Jared loved [yes loved] to read the Children's Book of Mormon and Church History Series. I remember thinking. Oh boy! I'm not going to have trouble with this one. The promise in him continued through school as he served in the School Counsel and received high grades. Moreover, he was a well-liked boy with lots of friends. It was not until High School that he began to "cave in" to peer pressure. He began to drink a little with his friends and even smoked pot. It got so bad that I remember saying to The Lord, "Wait a minute, Thou told me that this was a very special spirit. What happened."  Knowing all as God does, He must have chuckled just a little. 

Jared had lived away from home for years so that he could indulge his "habits".  When things got rough, he would come home and good ol' Mom would feed him wash him. Finally, though The Lord told me quite clearly that it was time for me to give him tough love. Still, I could not bear to see my baby "suffer". So a balked. The Lord said, "You have to give him the greater love. You have to love him enough to turn him out."  Luckily, I was sick when I went to tell Jared. I said, "Honey, you can no longer use this home as a flophouse. When you are ready to pull your life together, I will fly up and get you myself. Let me know when you are ready to come home [with all the ramifications]

It took 5 months of living the hard way. Jared came home for a spring break. He was packed and ready to return to his old life, but late at night he came into me. Now picture this, Jared was 6'1" and 170 lbs. I am a slimmish 5'7". Jared put his head on my shoulders and his arms around me and said. Mom- I want to come home. I said quietly, "With all the ramifications?" and he said "Yes."

I never saw anybody pull his life together with such organization. He either saw or called all his old drinking buddies and informed them that he was getting his act together with the goal of going on a Mission.  He began to be only with his family, he read the Book of Mormon and attended all of his meetings. He got a local job and put his money in the bank for his mission.  About a year later, the Bishop gave him the go-ahead. He was to start filling out the papers and see the Stake President.  That was Sunday the 23 of February. Monday, Jared and I spent the day together [he did hang around with his family. He even liked to be with his mother. Imagine!] He went to work that night until about 11:00.  At 11:30 he gave me a big hug and said he wanted to sleep in the next day. 

Jared's sister called at about 11:30 a.m. to ask if her brother wanted to go to lunch with her. I went in to wake him. I realized soon that he was cold and stiff. Immediately, the thought came, "Remember I told you that you would no have him long."  As the paramedics and police and all the confusion of the day ensued. I had the most peaceful feeling that this was Jared's Mission. He came, he was with us for awhile. He showed his brothers how to repent [At the time he had 2 older brothers that were terribly addicted to chrystalmeth. It took the shock of their brother's death to unloose them from this horrible addiction]. He sealed his testimony with his life. 

Since then both brothers have dragged themselves up from the cesspool they had been in. Truly, it took me 23 years to realize why Heavenly Father sent me a baby that I did not want. If it had not been for Jared, I might have lost some of my family for eternity. My prayers for my spiritually dead sons were answered long before I even knew I would be praying.